Advice X - Eliza H.

Here’s what to expect in your first couples coaching session

Here’s what to expect at your first couples coaching or counseling session.

If you are thinking about seeking relationship coaching or counseling for the first time, you may be wondering about the first session and how it is going to look like.

Things that will come to your mind, “How long will the session be?” “How should I talk about my issue?” Who’s going to initiate the conversation?” “Am I going to be judged?” “Will the psychologist/coach take sides?” “Is it going to be effective?”

These are all normal things to come to your mind given that you have never done it before, and unfortunately many people in our society stigmatize couples who seek external help for their relationships which makes it even harder to make the first step to working on your relationship.

1. As a couple, you’ll meet the psychologist or coach for the first time

When you first meet with your psychologist/coach, you and your partner will discuss the issues that you want to improve in your relationship. During the first session, expect to discuss the history of your relationship distress. The therapist will want to know the main problems you are experiencing, and what causes most of your stress within the relationship.

2. Each partner will meet with the psychologist or coach individually

The reason one or two individual sessions for each partner are necessary is because the psychologist needs to understand some background and history on each person separately and discuss your specific needs. In addition, it is important to learn how each partner views his/her issues from their point of view. This will help the psychologist/coach to understand the couple and their views better. Then a permission will be taken from both of them about the topics that are going to be discussed when they join the session together.

You may be wondering if it’s couples coaching, why do you need to take permission prior to discussing the issues with both of them? Here’s why, in the individual session, the client might tell the psychologist/coach something personal about themselves that they don’t want to share in their session together or their own views about what has led the couple to this point. Exposing all the information from the individual sessions without the client’s consent may cause conflicts between the couple and deteriorate their relationship and this is the last thing we would need then right? We want to patch things up; we don’t want to make it worse!!

3. Goal setting

Now it is time to set goals on how to move forward based on your relationship history and the issues that you both discussed with your relationship coach. With the help of your relationship psychologist/coach, you and your partner will set goals for your relationship to help you determine goals that will hopefully lead you and your partner to a place of peace and connectivity.

In this step also, you will discuss how many sessions you may need. There’s no rule of thumb when it comes to deciding the number of sessions the couple might need as it depends on several factors such as: the couples (main issue), their pace, their commitment to the process, and how well they are responding to therapy.

When is the right time to seek external help for my relationship?

Relationships are hard work. No relationship can grow or improve on its own if you don’t put enough effort into it like any other thing. At some point, you may find yourself comparing your relationship to other people’s relationships and thinking why me? Why are they living a healthy relationship and I am the one suffering to make my relationship work? Here’s the thing, we tend to judge only by looking on the outside. If someone has been married for 10+ years with a bunch of kids and they portray their life as perfect, we tend to believe that yes; it is perfect. Truth is, not all people who look happy are actually happy. Nobody knows what is happening behind closed doors, and just like you did not share with these people what you are going through, they might be dealing with their share of adversity as well.

Don’t wait till the last minute to make a step into couples counseling. What can’t be fixed, could be prevented.

Here are 4 signs you should try couples counseling

Why do people avoid talking about mental health?

Mental illness is one of the most common health conditions; yet, unfortunately, the most stigmatized. As a society, we have come a long way, but we still have a lot of work to do to normalize the importance of mental health.

Despite the prevalence of mental illness and the likelihood that it will impact you or someone you care about, an existential stigma is still leading many to denying, minimizing, or ignoring a mental health concern. People may belittle you, call you crazy and weak, just for being vocal about your situation. Can you relate?

IT’S OKAY NOT TO BE OKAY.

Nothing in life is perfect and neither is our mental health. Your mental health needs care just like your physical health does!

Unlike what most people think, Depression isn’t a weakness or a character flaw. It is not a matter of being in a bad mood, as if a depressed person would easily snap out of the condition within a blink of an eye. Depression has rather been linked to biological and environmental factors that are beyond a person’s control. Depression is a common, serious, and treatable condition. However, people may not realize that there are numerous ways to treat mental illness effectively because of the stigma that surrounds mental health sufferers—and you can easily live a normal lifestyle by learning how to manage mental health symptoms.

Statistics about mental health

According to the World Health Organization, over 300 million people worldwide live with depression.
Depression is common in people of all ages, races, gender identities, and socioeconomic status. According to the 2017 report from the National Institute of Mental Health, depression affects approximately 17.3 million people in the United States.
And in 2018, the CDC reported that approximately 1.9 million children (ages 3–17) in the U.S. have been diagnosed with depression.

Gut Serotonin and mood

For those of you who do not know what Serotonin is, serotonin is a very popular neurotransmitter in the brain that is often referred to as the feel-good-hormone as it’s responsible for your mood, sleep, digestion, nausea, wound healing, bone health, blood clotting and sexual desire. Although it is primarily associated with the brain and mood in popular science and psychology, the majority of serotonin is produced in the digestive system.

90% of serotonin found in the body is produced in the intestines.

What??? So, can what you eat affect your mood? The answer is YES! What you eat matters. There is a reason our stomachs are sometimes called our second brains. Serotonin is an important chemical and neurotransmitter in the human body that helps regulate your mood. Fast food contains an excess of Omega-6 and trans fat that ultimately disrupt the chemical balance of the brain. This alteration can lead to depression, anxiety and other mental issues. According to a recent study by Harvard Health Publications, they found that i ndividuals who eat a Western diet (full of greasy food) are 25-35% more likely to suffer from depression as opposed to those who follow the Mediterranean diet that is composed of healthy foods such as vegetables, fruits, whole grains, and lean meats have a 25% – 35% lower risk of depression.

What is cognitive behavioral therapy?

CBT is recognized as a “present-focused” approach, yet it doesn’t ignore the person’s overall past history entirely. Cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) is a therapeutic approach that has been exhibited to be successful in treating a range of mental health and behavioral issues such as phobias, depression, anxiety disorders, alcohol, and drug use problems, marital problems, eating disorders, and severe mental illness. A myriad of research has shown that CBT prompts great improvement in functioning and the overall quality of life. For some people, CBT tends to have long-lasting results that are more effective than any other form of psychological treatment or psychiatric medication.

CBT is based on several core principles, and strategies to change thinking patterns such as:

Helping you manage your problems by changing the way you think and behave.
Providing you with better ways of coping with problems, thereby relieving their symptoms and becoming more effective in your daily life.
Learning how to spot your distortions in thinking and how to become more realistic by breaking down your thoughts to its simplest form.
Gaining a better understanding of other people’s motivation and behavior.
Using effective problem-solving skills to cope with adversity.
Facing your fears gradually instead of avoiding them.
Using role-playing to prepare for potentially problematic interactions with others.
Using various techniques to calm your mind while in distress.

Cognitive behavioral therapy is a collaborative approach between the psychologist and the client. Not all of these strategies mentioned above will be used within CBT as every person has his/her own unique situation. Rather, the psychologist and patient/client work together, in a collaborative fashion, to develop a treatment strategy.

Unlike psychoanalysis, CBT is focused on the individuals present, rather how their past has impacted their current situation. The psychologist still needs a decent amount of information about the person’s history to understand the person’s personality and character, but this information will be used as a tool to enhance the individual’s current state by developing more effective ways of coping with life.

How do I know I need a life coach?

Are you feeling lost?
Are you doubting yourself?
Do you know what you need to make a change but you don’t know how?
Do you want to make more money?
Do you want to enjoy a healthy relationship?
Are you planning to change your profession, but don’t know how?
Are you susceptible to stress?
Are you experiencing difficulty transitioning between things at your work? Life?
Are you suffering from a lack of motivation and low self-esteem?
Do you find yourself thrown into the unknown and need a direction to swim?
Do you want to learn and grow from a painful experience so that you can change your life for the better?
Do you want to navigate through pain without deep suffering?

If you answered YES to 3 of the above questions, Don’t Panic, you are at the right place, a Life Coach can help you!

NOTE: If you’re suffering from mental illness such as anxiety and depression, you should seek a counselor first. But DO NOT worry I GOT YOU — I offer both Life coaching and mental health counseling services.

For many of us today, life and work instability is the leading cause of increasing levels of stress and anxiety. Those factors have a huge impact on our work performance, job/life satisfaction, relationships, and our overall well being.In this situation, A life coach will be able to help you resolve any confusion you may have and guide you toward a better path to live a happy fulfilled life.

It’s not always practical or effective to seek guidance from loved ones, even though they may have your best interests at heart.

How can a career coach transform your life?

Support you while transitioning into your new role.
Enhance your confidence and self-esteem.
Help you achieve work-life balance.
Help you redesign you career path by exploring different career options, and if necessary changing your career directions.
Teach you different strategies on how to cope with work-related stress.
Support you while transitioning into your new role.
Enhance your confidence and self-esteem.
Help you achieve work-life balance.
Help you redesign you career path by exploring different career options, and if necessary changing your career directions.
Teach you different strategies on how to cope with work-related stress.

Who is a good candidate for relationship coaching?

If you are SINGLE

It helps you attract the right men/women for you and know your true self-worth.
Single people can benefit from relationship therapy because it sets up good habits for when they decide to date again.
It can promote self-love and help them examine their own behavior.
Going to a relationship coach can help you examine both your romantic and familial relationships and how they intertwine.

If you are MARRIED:

It helps you communicate your feelings openly with your partner
It will assist in identifying the differences that put your marriage in trouble.
It can help resolve relationship roadblocks before they become impasses
It will deepen intimacy and connection
It’ll teach you effective communication techniques to sustain a healthy marriage.
It’ll help you find out if your partner is a narcissist

If you are DIVORCED:

You’ll learn how to handle your emotions after a divorce
How to deal with everyday living after divorce
Moving on as an individual after divorce
Learn different strategies to help your children to cope with the divorce.

If you are planning your WEDDING:

It helps couples plan their future
It provides an opportunity to address issues before it’s too late.
It builds strong communication skills.
It provides the couple with an insight into what life under the same roof looks like.
It allows couples to discover new things about themselves.

What if I’ve already tried therapy and it didn’t work?

Here comes the popular statement “I have been through therapy, but it didn’t work”. It’s important to know that counseling is no magic. The counselor and the client work collaboratively over a certain period of time to improve one’s emotional and mental state. Generally, therapy doesn’t help right away. Even in an ideal therapy situation, it can take time for symptoms to improve.

Going to counseling and seeing no change is devastating and may seem like a waste of time and money. YOU ARE RIGHT! But not all people are alike and this is true also of counselors. DO NOT get discouraged if your previous counselor wasn’t up to your expectations, that doesn’t mean you’ll never find someone who understands you.

Also, there are many approaches that can be used in counseling, if you didn’t benefit from one approach, that doesn’t mean you’re not suitable for therapy. Don’t give up!

Most importantly, DO NOT take your brain for granted. Just like any part of your body, it can experience pain, and suffer. Nobody accepts living with a broken arm because you know how important it is for your daily simple tasks. Have you ever wondered why you rush to the hospital if you break your arm? Because you get scared, you see blood. The pain is tangible.

“Maybe one of the reasons you didn’t benefit from your previous therapy experience is because you were forced into therapy. People who feel forced into therapy may feel resistant and find it harder to put in the work needed to make a change. You have to be 100 % convinced to benefit from therapy. If you are fully convinced, with your hard work, you’ll be able to get the results you wish for”.

When it comes to your brain, you tend to care less because you can’t see it. You only FEEL it. What you don’t know is that a mentally ill and unhealthy brain can cause physical pain just like that of a physical injury.

STOP THINKING, START ACTING TOWARD A BETTER MENTAL HEALTH.
YOU OWE IT TO YOURSELF!

When is a good time to reach out for help?

Issues related to mental health can impact different people in different ways. It’s important to seek help if you start to see changes in your overall happiness, relationships, and job performance. You should seek a counselor if you are experiencing any of the following:

Trouble thinking, concentrating, making decisions and remembering things.
Many unexplained physical problems- Stomach pain, back ache, increased heart rate.
Long-lasting sadness or irritability.
Lack of a goal and hope.
Loss of interest or pleasure in most or all normal activities, such as sex, hobbies or sports.
Extremely high and low moods.
Sleep disturbances, including insomnia or sleeping too much.
Anxiety, agitation or restlessness.
Social withdrawal.
Feelings of worthlessness or guilt, fixating on past failures or self-blame
Strong feelings of anger.
Mental Rumination.
Lack of motivation to do simple daily tasks such as getting out of bed and brushing your teeth.
Increasing inability to cope with daily problems and activities.
Thoughts of suicide.
Denial of obvious problems.
Abuse of drugs and/or alcohol.

Do I need counseling?

How do you know that it’s time to seek a counselor? Humans have the ability to cope with adversity often referred to as psychological resilience. However, when you find yourself not being able to cope with life’s ups and downs, this is a clear sign that you might need someone else’s assistance to help you cope with whatever you are going through.

Example

Occasional anxiety is a normal part of life. Anxiety is a good thing, it warns you when you are in a dangerous situation. If you get anxious walking by yourself in the middle of the night, this is totally a normal reaction. Your anxiety prepares you to respond to danger. However, if you experience intense, excessive, and persistent worry about day-to-day situations, this is not normal. One shouldn’t feel that way. When your anxiety starts interfering with your daily activities, this is when you should seek help.

A counselor will offer you a safe place to talk about your life challenges, help you understand your feelings, and teach you new ways to cope with the ongoing situation to gain back control over your life. Simply put, I will help you see the light at the end of the tunnel.

You should seek a counselor if you are experiencing any of the following:

Trouble thinking, concentrating, making decisions and remembering things.
Many unexplained physical problems- Stomach pain, back ache, increased heart rate.
Long-lasting sadness or irritability.
Lack of a goal and hope.
Loss of interest or pleasure in most or all normal activities, such as sex, hobbies or sports.
Extremely high and low moods.
Sleep disturbances, including insomnia or sleeping too much.
Anxiety, agitation or restlessness.
Social withdrawal.

Feelings of worthlessness or guilt, fixating on past failures or self-blame
Strong feelings of anger.
Mental Rumination.
Lack of motivation to do simple daily tasks such as getting out of bed and brushing your teeth.
Increasing inability to cope with daily problems and activities.
Thoughts of suicide.
Denial of obvious problems.
Abuse of drugs and/or alcohol.

Mental Health Counseling

Counseling aims to heal and treat, while coaching is oriented towards health, potential and wholeness
Counseling emphasizes healing the past and releasing pain, while life coaching helps you focus on the future and motivates you to pursue your passion and dreams
A counselor is perceived as someone who offers insights and intervention, while a life coach is regarded as a partner and guide
A counselor helps reinstate functionality and stability in your life, while a life coach helps you progress on your life path and discover your own calling

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It’s okay not to be okay

It’s okay not to be okay

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